I began really looking for myself about 8 years ago. Up until that time I didn’t necessarily even realize that I was missing, but I knew I wasn’t happy and that I wasn’t dealing well with the things that life was handing me. I needed to get some better coping tools and fast! I met a life coach and started working with her, ostensibly to find a part-time career that had a flexible schedule and would give me something to look forward to. I did find that dream career – one that nourishes me and fulfills me and has me excited to wake up in the morning and do it all again, but more than that, I found myself.
I’ve always had a rich interior life and if you would have asked me even 1o years ago if I knew myself well, I would have laughed a little dismissive laugh. Sure I knew myself, probably better than most people, but what I mostly knew were all the raw spots and the fears. I also knew that I loved to read and laugh and eat extra sharp cheddar cheese, but what I didn’t know was all the powerful places inside me; the places where I am really whole and full of light, and always have been.
Beginning to find those, as well as what was really behind the raw spots, was an awakening. It didn’t happen all at once though. It was a process, like slowly peeling an onion and believe me, each new layer made me cry, but I knew I was starting to get somewhere and so I kept peeling.
Feeling awake to my life felt so much better than the alternative that I embraced each tear as a process necessary to clean out old wounds and wash away debris so that I could see the bright, shiny core of what has always been there inside me just waiting to be rediscovered. There were tears of joy as well and as I started to find my true self, not just the one the world expected me to be (or that I thought it expected me to be). I started to understand that I was the one and only person responsible for giving myself the life that I want to have and although this was a bit daunting at first, it was also incredibly empowering. I am fully in charge of creating my own happiness, which means that no-one else can take it away from me long term. If I lose control of my own equilibrium for a few minutes because of something that someone else does or says, I know that I have the power to take it back by the choices that I make. Maybe I’ll choose to not take it personally or to walk away and greatly reduce the exposure I have to that person in the future, or a thousand other possible choices that I can make to grab myself back from the jaws of an insane world. In any case, I get to choose and no-one else can give that to me or take it away, and that is most wonderful, beautiful part.